freezer bags are fun
- Jon
the talking topic
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328 replies to this topic
#61
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 05:51
- Jon
#62
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 07:08
So is sirens 
#63
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 08:04
lol
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
#65
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 08:12
firefighting joke...
Firefighter Terminology Haligan Tool: Used for breaking headlights
Kelly Tool: What firefighter Kelly uses to break headlights
Water Hammer: Used to drive in water nails
Drafting: Following another fire engine really closely on the way to a fire
Backdraft: Drafting on the way back to the station
Ladder Company: Where they make ladders
Flashover: Too many lights on the pumper
Rollover: What you do in the ashes to make your new turnouts look old
McCleod: The Highlander
Master Stream: The Mississippi River
BLEVE: It was dry when I drove my Chevy there
Exposures: Usually Indecent
Mutual Aid: When 4 kids are hurt and theres only 3 band aids, someones getting Mutual Aid!
Firefighter Terminology Haligan Tool: Used for breaking headlights
Kelly Tool: What firefighter Kelly uses to break headlights
Water Hammer: Used to drive in water nails
Drafting: Following another fire engine really closely on the way to a fire
Backdraft: Drafting on the way back to the station
Ladder Company: Where they make ladders
Flashover: Too many lights on the pumper
Rollover: What you do in the ashes to make your new turnouts look old
McCleod: The Highlander
Master Stream: The Mississippi River
BLEVE: It was dry when I drove my Chevy there
Exposures: Usually Indecent
Mutual Aid: When 4 kids are hurt and theres only 3 band aids, someones getting Mutual Aid!
#66
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 08:17
LOL.
Owner of 295 Warning Points
Executive Director: Forum Child Watch
Think a lot. Say little. Write nothing.
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Think a lot. Say little. Write nothing.
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#67
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 08:18
Lieutenant Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw firefighter Duncan mopping the floors, and asked him, "Hey rookie, do you have change for a dollar?" The firefighter replied, "Sure." The Lieutenant gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Firefighter, do you have change for a dollar?" The young firefighter replied, "NO, SIR!" and continued mopping.
Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? A: Lawn chair.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? A: Lawn chair.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"
#69
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 08:23
The Hunting Trip
Three firefighter went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer."
Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, "How did you get that?"
The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck."
The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.
The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.
The chief not wanting to be out done said, "I'm out of here, I'm going to bag the biggest buck of the day."
He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody.
The rookie and the captain asked, "What happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!
The Volunteers
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
Three firefighter went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer."
Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, "How did you get that?"
The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck."
The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.
The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.
The chief not wanting to be out done said, "I'm out of here, I'm going to bag the biggest buck of the day."
He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody.
The rookie and the captain asked, "What happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!
The Volunteers
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
#70
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 08:25
The last ones the best 
#71
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Geschrieben 11 Oktober 2009 - 11:18
cop jokes
Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A BLONDE POLICE STOP
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!
LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A BLONDE POLICE STOP
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!
LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
#72
usmc123
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Geschrieben 12 Oktober 2009 - 05:53
You guys might enjoy this. It is almost 10 PM we are outside on our porch and we hear music blaring and a jeep comes down the road and hits a tree behind our house, they brake and went all over the road. They were obviously drunk, we call the cops they investigated for a while and started to leave. They literally drove 10 feet when the jeep comes down the road, RIGHT BEHIND THEM. My dad starts screaming, "That's Them!" Calls 911 again. People can be so retarded when they are drunk, driving behind two cops with your music blaring under 20 minutes after you hit a tree in the area? Really?
EDIT: They let the kids go. The kids came back to the scene and started joking around about the tree. Friggin Cops.
EDIT: They let the kids go. The kids came back to the scene and started joking around about the tree. Friggin Cops.
Religion is a brilliant institution, but only because it's a placebo for cosmic ignorance.
#73
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Geschrieben 12 Oktober 2009 - 06:03
Good morning. 
#74
joachimnor
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Geschrieben 12 Oktober 2009 - 08:30
LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I lol'd this should be in the I just lol'd topic
#75
MCERT1
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Geschrieben 12 Oktober 2009 - 10:05
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
I resent that one...I probably wouldn't have before I started studying Intelligence though.
My statements reflect my personal thoughts and opinions, and do not reflect those of any agencies I'm affiliated with.
#76
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Geschrieben 12 Oktober 2009 - 09:40
ok i well put it thereI lol'd this should be in the I just lol'd topic
#77
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Geschrieben 13 Oktober 2009 - 02:48
Inside of smilely jail in LA:
!
!
#80
hunter42
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Geschrieben 13 Oktober 2009 - 10:48
I love night cops
Officer: "I'm arresting you under section 5 of the public order act"
*girlfriend steps in* "what do you think you are doing?"
Officer: "SHUT IT YOU!"
Why is Welsh such a strange language? In countries like Britain, France, Germany and perhaps Italy, you can work out most words or make a well educated guess. But Welsh isn't close to any language on this planet.
"Pergyl - ochrau dibyn" - Danger cliff edges
"Dim nofio ger y creigau" - No swimming near the cliff
Even better: "gwasanaethau" means Motorway services, and "Araf" means slow...
Conclusion: The Welsh were brought here by aliens and are secretly living among us
Officer: "I'm arresting you under section 5 of the public order act"
*girlfriend steps in* "what do you think you are doing?"
Officer: "SHUT IT YOU!"
Why is Welsh such a strange language? In countries like Britain, France, Germany and perhaps Italy, you can work out most words or make a well educated guess. But Welsh isn't close to any language on this planet.
"Pergyl - ochrau dibyn" - Danger cliff edges
"Dim nofio ger y creigau" - No swimming near the cliff
Even better: "gwasanaethau" means Motorway services, and "Araf" means slow...
Conclusion: The Welsh were brought here by aliens and are secretly living among us
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
